By Chinyereugo Ugwuegbu.
I often watch with fascination a drama that plays itself in many burial ceremonies across tribes, tongues and ethnicities in Nigeria. I guess if you have gone for a burial you must have witnessed this: a man is being lowered into the grave and his grief-torn wife wants to join the corpse down the six horrifying and dreadful feet with her perhaps two, three or four lovely kids watching tearfully. Not as if I have a problem with mourning for a loved one, but the question that keeps coming to me is “does life end with a lost (not just to death) of a spouse, lover or friend?
Back in the days when I was a student, a promising girl took away her life with an excess dosage of tranquilizers just because her boyfriend spent a love season with another girl. Poor girl, she might have imagined her action to be some role in a scene in Nollywood movie that will move from hospital bed to a miraculous healing and come back to her love. Alas! It was more real that she never woke up to.
And you! How many times have you built your life around a love that you lost the real essence of you? For me, I believe a better life and relationship can only be rewarded when you have so much time and love for yourself.
Please don’t get me wrong, it is always lovely and rewarding to spend so much time with the one you love but do you have to choke life out of yourself or your loved one by wanting to spend every minute with her, or as the case may be, him? The fear of being out of sight from a lover is for sure a strong indicator of insecurity. Relationship experts advise that this is not good for any relationship, marriage inclusive.
It is a nice distraction to get a call always from a lover at the middle of a hectic day; I love such calls with passion. You can always tell the sweet feeling of ‘I’m cherished’ that comes after such calls, but the call that comes every second to ask; ‘where are you?’ or ‘who is there with you?’ and the likes is sure a fast way of getting your partner tired, scared or pissed with answering a call that ought to have brought a smile. If you are like me, you could even hide away that phone so you won’t be telling a lie when you say ‘I didn’t hear my phone ring’.
Life has so much to offer and you should share that with your loved ones, families and friends no doubt. So, while having time for your loved one or spouse, you should also create time for other people; that is the only way to create a balance in life.
You will also discover that when you meet your love again even in some hours’ time it is out of a sincere desire to spend quality time with them. I tell you, there will be so much to share; even your experience during the hangout time with others is enough talk that can keep a day or two love affair going with your loved one.
Having a life of your own in spite of how close you and your lover is kills the seed of unnecessary jealousy, when your entire world revolves around your friend, the time he spends with other people but you, will sure make you feel unloved, left out, uncared for and ignored if you don’t have such moments for yourself. Unfortunately, you may not have been ignored but not having any other life makes it a key problem for you and your partner as well.
Some other times, this feeling could make you desire to crush anyone you see around your partner, rather than extending the relationship. This is because you imagine they are taking away what belongs to you. Meanwhile, a smile and a little chat might be all you need to discover the people around your lover may be harmless.
A friend once told me about her lover who rushed over to her house to check on her because he heard voices of people laughing at the background when he called her. Need I say the young man in question may sooner than he expects suffer a heart failure, because he is afraid to live and let her live. Perhaps if he had a life of his own, the background voices will be a poking joke that could strengthen the relationship.
Giving a little space in a relationship can only invigorate a relationship. Ever imagined having a supportive spouse or a friend? He cares for your well being but gives you time to be you? You will always feel indebted to him and will never opt for what will put him through undue emotional stress.
It creates mutual respect for the parties as well as helps you to maintain your dignity and respect both for him and for yourself. I will rather have a sincere caring love or spouse than one who is not secured and has no life apart from me.
READ ALSO: I Can’t Get Him to Open Up
But suffice it to say that even in this, wisdom is needful. You need to know when there are signs of some extra strings between your spouse or lover and other friends though. And if he or she never spends anytime with you but with other, then know it is a warning signal that you perhaps do not even have a space in their heart.